


Letters from the Lonely

by tsuwundere



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Character Study, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Light Angst, M/M, One Shot, Pining, i mean it's relatively not very angsty but this is me exploring what grief is like with shuichi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-16 08:48:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28579239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsuwundere/pseuds/tsuwundere
Summary: "Kaede,It’s gotten worse.Nothing super out of the ordinary has been happening lately, I just can’t process normal daily interactions with Kokichi properly anymore. He’ll say ‘good morning’ to me and I’ll hiccup in response. I keep getting so nervous that my voice has been breaking twice as frequently trying to talk to him the last few days. He calls me Squeakichi Squeakhara now. He says I should audition as a voice actor for the next Alvin and the Chipmunks movie. It’s so embarrassing.Kaede, ask God to send help please."Shuichi writes to his deceased friend throughout the duration of the killing game in an attempt to cope. It serves as a window to his mind that he feels he can't show anyone else, and he finds himself still able to confide in her about his bizarre surroundings, his grief, his pain, his attempts at nurturing friendships in a place like this, and his love for a certain purple-haired prankster.
Relationships: Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 93





	Letters from the Lonely

Kaede,

April 7th

I know you’re dead. I was there. I saw you die. I saw your blood splatter everywhere and everything. So I’m not in denial. It’s just too hard and too much to ask to stop talking to you.

Or maybe that is denial. Or maybe I’m already insane only a couple days into this whole thing – I don’t know. I just can’t help it. Every few hours I just naturally think about going to find you, to ask you what you think we should be doing next. When Kirumi calls us down for meals, my mind automatically springs to the idea of sitting with you when I get to the dining room. And then I remember that you’re not here anymore.

I can’t cope like that. The sense of loss is so suffocating that way. So it’s okay if these are just the musings of a man without his mind and it’s okay if you can’t hear me anymore, I just can’t not talk to you. I want to feel like you’re still here for a little bit longer.

This is probably bad for me but I can’t bring myself to care. It’s not like being stuck in here is particularly good for anyone’s health or well-being.

I’m really scared without you here, Kaede. I don’t know a thing about anyone here. It was easier to trust the others and believe in co-operation when you were still here because, well, I didn’t take it seriously when we were told by a robot teddy bear that we were in a killing game and that we had to kill someone and get away with it to escape. It was all so morbidly absurd, so surreal, and sounded so far removed from reality – and yet here we are. Rantaro’s gone, and so are you.

And that’s only half the nightmare – the trial was petrifying. Though I don’t need to tell you that… It was definitely much worse for you. But it hurts so much Kaede – because of my “talent”, and because of who I am, I’m burdened with revealing the truth even when it kills people and ruins lives. As long as I’m cursed with that stupid title of mine, I can’t escape this. I remember what you told me, but it’s so hard to believe in it. I’m sorry.

That reminds me, I got punched after they killed you. Right in the face. I’ve never been punched before in my life. Growing up, I always kinda kept to myself, so nobody really paid attention to me and I was more or less left alone.

But yeah, I got punched in the face and yelled at. Kaito did it. He shouted at me – something about being a wimp and how I was doing a disservice to you. It’s paraphrased; I didn’t hear it properly but that’s kind of the gist of it. I don’t know if it was unfair of him to say that but regardless, it’s driving me crazy, Kaede. I feel so small. It’s terrifying here. I don’t want to leave my room.

I feel sick thinking about it now. I’m going to stop.

* * *

Dear Kaede,

April 10th

A lot happened since last time, but the biggest thing was probably getting an apology from Kaito. Truth be told, I was kind of expecting to start getting bullied by him or something, but he came by my room first thing yesterday morning and he was a lot nicer to me. We got breakfast together, which was a huge relief because I was too scared to leave my room all day the day before – even to eat – so I woke up really hungry that morning.

The Monokubs set up another motive last night – they seem to all be videos of the people closest to us, ending with suggestive cliffhangers. I got Kaito’s. It’s strange how often that name is popping up now, right? Can’t help but get the feeling that things are being manipulated, but it’s hard to explain exactly what I mean… It’s probably all paranoia anyway. I’d probably be falling into some kind of trap if I worried myself sick about it.

Kaito also dragged me outside tonight to berate me some more, but it was more of an actual, two-sided conversation this time instead of a literal pummelling. I confided in him a little bit, but he’s nothing like you… He made me do push-ups with him which… I admittedly haven’t done much of before. He babbled some confusing nonsense about how it’ll help me with overcoming my weaknesses or something to that effect, which made me wonder if he was even listening to what I had said, or if he just didn’t understand. I complied because I didn’t know what else to do or say, but I think it did actually help a little.

Actually, now that I think about it, you would be the type to tell me to get a little fresh air and exercise if I started living in my head too much, wouldn’t you?

I don’t know – maybe Kaito might make an alright friend.

* * *

Dear Kaede,

April 11th

Hey, you remember Kokichi, right? He’s like, only a little over five feet tall, with bouncy dark purple hair, big eyes in the same colour and he’s always smiling – and he wears a weird white suit with a black and white checkered scarf?

I think that’s the devil.

I always felt a little uncomfortable around him because of how your trial went… He orchestrated the part where everyone started blaming me. I was so scared then, I couldn’t say a word. And I think he was doing it deliberately – I don’t have any evidence for that, but I just remember… Every time I looked over at him in that trial, he had this strange, knowing grin on his face, as if he was misleading everyone on purpose to get you to crack. He ended up forcing you to lie, which is ironic because that seems to be his thing.

I say that because he lied to Gonta and told him that everyone here hated bugs so that Gonta would be driven to kidnapping us all and keeping us in his lab for some kind of so-called “insect meet and greet”. Well, it turned out that Kokichi’s intention in having us gathered in one place was to host a watch party of motive videos, but Gonta had already let all the bugs loose before Kokichi had a chance so needless to say, it didn’t go well for him.

As horrifying as the swarm of insects was, it’s good thing his plan backfired, I think. If we all saw our videos, I really think it could have pushed someone over the edge and something bad could have happened. It’s so hard to tell what that guy is thinking. I think someone will have to keep an eye on him. It’ll probably be me, since it’s not like I think it’d be a good idea to discuss that sort of thing with anyone else.

By the way, Gonta knocked me out cold on his way there with me. I was the only one to faint so it was really humiliating. I’m glad you can’t hear me right now, actually. And it only got worse, too – when I woke up, Kokichi’s face was inches away from mine. I literally felt his body heat. I’m surprised I didn’t scream. I hate it here.

* * *

Kaede,

April 15th, apparently

I didn’t write for a little bit because nothing really feels real. Kirumi murdered Ryoma to get out because she’s essentially acting as the prime minister of Japan, and had a country to save.

It doesn’t sound real, right? I know she’s an Ultimate, but she’s a teenager first. Her Ultimate talent doesn’t even concern politics – though I have no doubt she could learn about and perform just about everything asked of her.

She didn’t get away. She tried – she ran, and we all urged her to not give up trying to leave. But in the end, she couldn’t. It was cruel.

The madness didn’t even end there. After all that, Kokichi revealed to us that Maki’s been lying about her talent, and that she’s actually the Ultimate Assassin. Those words went in one ear and out the other, as with most things Kokichi says, especially after such an exhausting and draining trial – but when she lunged at him and started to choke him, I didn’t really have a choice but to pay attention.

I wonder if Kokichi is okay. I think his neck is going to bruise. I seriously think she was seconds away from snapping it. He puts on a brave face, but I think he’s as frightened as the rest of us. And besides, I don’t think anyone could walk away from that without being at least a little shaken.

Speaking of whom, a few days ago, maybe a day or two before Ryoma and Kirumi were killed, I was in the library. I was just browsing the shelves and minding my own business. That place reminds me of you because of how much of our only time together was spent there so… I don’t know, I just head down there when I’m in a reflective mood.

I think maybe Kokichi feels the same way about the library for some reason. Rantaro died down there, too. I don’t know if he visits for you or for him, or maybe it might have to do with that mysterious door, but I unexpectedly bumped into him there.

I thought maybe he’d tease me a bit and leave after a while when he got bored, but he looked kind of sad. He hid the expression as soon as he saw me though, but his behaviour was still kind of off.

He didn’t leave after a while like I thought he would, he was kind of just sauntering between the shelves but not really even looking at them. In hindsight, it seemed like he was pacing. I wonder what was on his mind…

I picked up a random encyclopaedia and flipped through it at some point, worried it was going to look kind of awkward if I just stared at the shelves for too long. Kokichi came and sat next to me, muttering usual stuff about how I’m boring, a nerd and an emo, and how I always look greasy and whatnot. But he just sounded really drowsy the entire time, and nowhere near as bubbly and playful as he usually is.

I told him he looked exhausted and he said it was my imagination, but he yawned immediately afterwards. Honestly, I can understand not being able to get much sleep here. I started to get a little worried, because I didn’t think it was like him to let himself appear so unguarded and vulnerable like that – all droopy shoulders, half-shut eyes and leaning against the bookshelves for support.

I tested him a little, and told him that if he wanted to rest, I wasn’t going anywhere for a while and he could use my shoulder. He said something pretty typical of him, about how that was a stupid idea and that if I behaved so innocently with everyone, I would probably be killed next.

But he did take up the offer.

It’s awkward to admit this, but it was kind of nice. His weight on that half of my body when he fell asleep was all warm and soft. And he looked so cozy and comfortable that I ended up dozing off too.

He woke me up by tipping the shelf behind us so the books fell on me. He had that impish twinkle in his eye back, and that usual grin on his face.

I don’t think Kokichi is an awful person. He’s definitely eccentric, and goes about things in weird, convoluted ways, but I don’t think he’s bad.

I think I kind of like him.

* * *

Kaede,

I don’t know what the date is right now and I don’t care to check but I do know that I definitely do like Kokichi, and more than I thought I would.

I really wish you were here right now. Who else am I supposed to go to about this? I need to tell someone. I can’t just keep this stuff to myself.

I was in the cafeteria with a cup of tea, kind of just looking out the window and listening to Himiko and Tenko bicker one table over. Kokichi wandered in and made a beeline for the snack cupboard – pretty standard stuff. I didn’t think much of it.

He came over to my table with a pack of those thin stick-shaped biscuits in hand – the name of them escapes me, but it’s those chocolate-covered things that you see often in cliché shoujo romance mangas, where two people will nibble at each end trying to be the last person to hold onto it until they meet in the middle and end up kissing. It’s a really cringe trope that you see everywhere now. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.

Kokichi asked me to do it with him. I got flustered immediately, and he was definitely enjoying it – batting those long-ass eyelashes at me. Naturally, I declined, because he was probably just messing with me. He was probably just after getting me to close my eyes and wait so he could do something to make me feel stupid, or something like that. That’s the kind of person he is, right? Trusting him to play an honest Pocky game (I remember the name of it now) with me would just be me trying to make impossible, indulgent and idealistic fantasies come true.

And in a situation like this, I can’t really afford to be entertaining that sort of thing.

But listen… When he skipped away saying, “Aww, I’ll have to find someone else to do it with instead then,” I felt my heart drop. And I felt all hollow and empty for a second, before I got a hold of myself.

I hope he didn’t find anyone else to do it with, goddammit.

It’s not even just the fact that I want to kiss Kokichi. I kind of wanted the biscuit too.

* * *

Dear Kaede,

April 18th

Angie is getting some kind of cult together. It’s weird. I wish you were here to see it.

* * *

Kaede,

It’s gotten worse.

Nothing super out of the ordinary has been happening lately, I just can’t process normal daily interactions with Kokichi properly anymore. He’ll say ‘good morning’ to me and I’ll hiccup in response. I keep getting so nervous that my voice has been breaking twice as frequently trying to talk to him the last few days. He calls me Squeakichi Squeakhara now. He says I should audition as a voice actor for the next Alvin and the Chipmunks movie. It’s so embarrassing.

Kaede, ask God to send help please.

Angie’s also doing a lot of fucked up shit right now but I really don’t want to tell you about it.

* * *

Kaede,

April 21st

It doesn’t matter how many times it happens, I just can’t get used to it. I’m a detective, but I just can’t get used to seeing people dropping like flies, and I can’t get used to solving the mysteries behind their deaths just to send someone else to their end too.

Angie and Tenko died yesterday, and Kiyo was executed for it. Kaede, it was all so horrible. Every second of the entire day was so excrutiatingly long. Tenko died in front of us. She spoke to us less than a minute before she was killed. Her body was warm when the investigation started, and it was still warm when the investigation ended.

And I understand now. Angie’s weird cult. She was forceful and manipulative, but she was trying to unite us in her own way. She was trying to combat Monokuma’s influence and control over us with her own. I still don’t believe what she did was right, but the last thing she deserved was a death like that.

Even thinking about Kiyo makes my heart ache. He’d obviously been hurt deeply before in his life and never received counsel. He just ended up trapped here. Yesterday was just so, so cruel.

Himiko, too. Watching her cry herself to exhaustion brought everything about losing you back. My knees almost gave way with how suddenly the feeling was brought on. I was trying to comfort her with everyone else, but I saw it all, all over again. Everything to do with Rantaro’s case and your trial played back again before my eyes, and I was being crushed under the weight of all the feelings from those first days here, all crudely mixed together, in the span of a few seconds. My breathing was all hard and ragged. I’m just relieved nobody noticed. Himiko needed the support at that point. Not me.

Some other weird things happened since last time, mostly during the investigation. Did you know Kaito is afraid of ghosts? He got so spooked investigating the séance room that he grabbed hold of Maki. She punched him in the gut. I almost felt it. He looked really unwell afterwards though. I hope he’s okay. I want to say it’s ironic that he can’t take a punch for someone who throws them around so often, but I imagine it wasn’t an ordinary punch since Maki is the Ultimate Assassin and all. And it’s not funny at all – I can’t emphasise how unwell he looked.

Kokichi also hurt himself during the investigation, too. He tripped and fell through the floor, which gave him some pretty nasty head injuries. He looked really badly hurt, all unsteady on his feet and blood trailing down from his head. I wanted to offer help, but we got summoned to the trial grounds and Kokichi went ahead first. It looks like the Monokubs treated him somewhere between then and the start of the trial though, so that was good at least.

Kaede, he’s just really… I don’t know, he walks around with this softness and innocence around him, though I know he’s really clever and devious. Is it just my lovestruck imagination? Thinking about him comforts me, though, and that couldn’t possibly be a bad thing… I just really like him. He walks around, carrying himself with his garden gnome-like height, and I kind of just want to scoop him up and carry him off.

That probably wouldn’t be received well if I actually did it, but it’s fun to think about nonetheless.

Kaede, do you think he’d like someone like me? He always calls me boring and nerdy, but sometimes he’ll stay stuff like I’m his favourite person here, or that he loves me. There’s also his tendency to lie to think about too. He’s really confusing as is without all these other feelings to go with it.

* * *

Dear Kaede,

April 22nd

Kaito started inviting Maki to our training thingies in the courtyard now.

If I’m to be honest, the idea didn’t sit right with me at first. I’m not even judging her on her talent. It’s just the way she treated you so soon before you died. I know you cried that night. Your eyes were all puffy when I found you later.

I suppose it makes sense now why she was always so nonchalant seeing classmate after classmate die even in the most horrifying ways like you, Kirumi and Kiyo, though. I can only imagine the kinds of things she’s seen.

She’s also cruel to Kokichi, though I suppose if I were to be absolutely objective, I guess he does sort of deserve her dunking on him all the time. I’d be upset if he’d revealed any of the secrets tied to my talent to everyone, too. Like the ones I told you about.

Well, there’s nothing I can do about it anyway. Kaito wants to have her hang out with us every night now too, so I guess that’s what’s happening.

* * *

Dear Kaede,

April 23rd

Today was really stupid.

I ran into Kokichi while I was doing the usual post-trial investigating around the building, and he decided to follow me around for a solid half an hour. We ended up getting into an argument about whether Celsius or Fahrenheit was the superior measure of temperature (the answer is Celsius) and it ended up getting really heated.

I don’t know, I’m still really shaken from Kiyo’s trial. It’s been a few days now, but to lose three people in one go has been a lot for me to handle. I’m exhausted. So I ended up taking it way too seriously when Kokichi kept relentlessly calling me stupid and braindead. He was doing it with that typical playful tone of voice and that impish smile on his face, so I knew he wasn’t being serious but I don’t know, I just felt my cheeks and ears get all warm and my eyes well up, so I tried to leave.

For someone of his size and build, he’s surprisingly strong. I couldn’t shake him off as easily as I’d anticipated.

I had to face him, visibly worked up over something so small and stupid. And he looked up at me with these huge glassy eyes and said he was sorry, and that he didn’t mean to make me cry.

I completely melted. I still wanted to be alone, so I said I wanted to go to my room and he walked me back with his arm in mine. It was so comforting, I can’t describe it. Everything about him is so soft and warm, as sharp and snide as his tongue can be at times.

I’m glad he didn’t leave me alone. I really like him.

* * *

Kaede,

April 24th

Kaito punched Kokichi in the face today. Hard. It bruised. I touched his cheek when I went to see him later that day, and it made him flinch.

He was saying a lot of nonsense so I understand why Kaito lashed out, but I really think he needs to learn he can’t just hit everyone that needs to be brought to their senses.

Kokichi was putting on this exaggerated shit-eating brat act when I first got there, but he quickly lapsed into looking really miserable over the span of about five minutes. Eventually, he said he wanted to go back into his room and I let him go.

I really hope he’s okay.

* * *

_i am an awful judge of character_

_kaede, take me away from here_

_i want to be where you are_

* * *

Kaede,

I don’t know what the date is anymore and I’m going to stop checking. Time doesn’t matter in here.

Kokichi turned out to be so frightening. Kaito’s turned his back on me. I’ve disappointed Maki.

I was beginning to think lately that the only person I could trust was you, after all. But even that’s not true is it? You hijacked our plan and ended up killing Rantaro. And then you left me here.

I don’t know, I think I should stop writing these. I don’t think I need this anymore.

* * *

_he’s NOT the mastermind, and kaito and maki killed him_

* * *

Dear Kaede,

I’m starting to piece it all together. I feel like I’m on the verge of figuring something out.

It’s been so long since you gave me your dying wish, to never look away from the truth. It’s taken me this long, with so many back and forths, but I have nothing to lose now. There’s only five of us left.

I don’t have much time and I don’t know what’s going to happen next but I feel like this is going to be my last letter to you. Kaede, is Kokichi there where you are? I want him to know that I don’t hate him. I want him to know that he didn’t die to everyone’s relief. I mourned him. I am grieving the losses of everyone.

Let him know that I love him, and that I’m sorry. He deserved so much more from us, as people that preached about co-operation so often. I want him to know that I get it now, I understand, and I wish I’d made it clearer to him that he could trust me and rely on me. I want him to know that I wanted to help him, if I’d had known how.

I’ll seek him out in the next life, for sure. You too, Kaede. Everyone up there, actually. We’ll definitely live together as friends like you’d said, no matter how many lifetimes it takes.

Definitely.

**Author's Note:**

> really just a demonstration of my interpretation of shuichi and an attempt to get into his head for the duration of v3
> 
> with some saiou fluff thrown in as a creative liberty because otherwise what's the fucking point
> 
> also an attempt at exploring grief - the anger stage is probably the most obvious pointer towards that
> 
> hope you enjoyed, don't forget to leave kudos and comments, i always love hearing from peeps that read my stuff. thousands of hugs


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